Breastfeeding

Our breastfeeding journey hasn't been an easy one. With L being born via c-section and not knowing I had the option of skin-on-skin contact, and having the first feed with him, he got use to bottles/formula/pacifiers.
When I finally got to our room and baby L was wheeled in, I tried to feed him, the nurse I had at the time was not very informative, and he kept falling asleep at the boob. I put him back in his little bassinet and went to sleep for a few hours while he slept. I remember waking to him crying around 6AM and my other nurse came in for my vitals. I told her I was planning on trying to breastfeed again once she was done. Josh was holding L and that's basically when all hell broke lose, when the nurse stated he was breathing irregularly and that his top lip looked a little purple. That was the last I saw of my little dude for a day and half.
Once I was able to go to the NICU to try and feed him, his nurse there had absolutely NO patience and was rough with him and my boob in attempting him to latch. I gave up and gave him a bottle of formula.
While at my stay in the hospital I pumped, and gave every tiny little drop I got out to the NICU to give him instead of formula. He still ended up getting 90% formula and the little tiny 10% bit of breast milk. When I would visit him in NICU and if it was time to eat, I would always try to get him to latch and eat, but he would either fall asleep, or get mad and cranky because he has to actually work to get the milk out.
Once home, I was pumping a lot, pulling my supply in. Once he was home with us, we gave him breast milk via bottle because he was still fussy as the boob. After about a week at home, he was no longer on supplemental formula and completely on breast milk from a bottle.
I was okay with our arrangement, he was on breast milk, no matter which way he was getting it. Josh could be involve with feeding because of bottles, and I knew exactly how much he was getting and when to expect his next feeding based on how much he drank. It worked for us. I got some flack from some people saying "why don't you just stick him on the boob, it'd be so much quicker." Over the next few months when I was home with him, if he wanted something to eat sooner than his next feeding was "scheduled" I tried breast, because I didn't want to risk throwing any away. He would take it for a little bit and be content, but if he was in an "I'm starving frenzy" he wouldn't take it, and that stressed me out. Instead of him crying got the 5-10 minutes it takes for something to warm up, he could snack then have his real bottle. I continues pumping and getting a good supply, and managing to stock pile a lot of it!!! He took the breast especially well in the middle of the night feedings, because I never knew how much to give him and he would surely fall asleep some would be wasted. It also meant I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to pump. It was a win-win for us all.
Fast forward a few weeks into me returning to work. My nipple/breast was hurting so badly when pumping or feeding. It was punch-a-wall kind of pain. It almost brought me to tears. I called La Leche League and she's didn't really have an answer for me, she was more curious why I wasn't boobing 24/7. So I found a lactation consultant, Kim. She was amazing!!! I called and spoke with her on the phone, I explained the pain and what was happening. She also wasn't sure what it was, but said to put breast milk on the pain spot and it will heal. And wouldn't you know a few days later then pain was still there was totally manageable, and a week later it was gone. I wanted to schedule an appointment with her to help address L crying when I gave him boob when he was starving, he would also latch and suck for a bit then stiff board it and cry!
We went to the lactation consult and he latched and was drinking and she said my supply was awesome (because it just came pouring out) and he had a great latch... then the stiff board came and the crying and she took a moment to analyze it and came to the conclusion that he was gassy. We stopped and tried to burp him, and put him back and still nothing. She then showed us some tummy gas relief massage and he let out a few good toots and was happy as a clam. He was no longer hungry so we didn't push the breast. With that new information when he got overly fussy or would start stretching and tensing up we would do our little exercises and he would be good to go. Night feedings were still going well and during the day it was bottles.
So in the end I haven't breastfed a whole lot, but I feel like I have conquered the pumping mountain.
I did a lot of research on how to pump, how to stock, and how to get a stock going.
I made small goals for myself: "I want to pump/ feed breast milk for at least 3 months", and by then I had almost a 3 month stash supply in the freezer. When that passed I made a goal of 6 month. Now that L is 7 months old and he no longer has 6-8 bottles a day. Hes down to about 4-5. I feel like my stash would take us to 9 months easily.

(even with a snafu of the freezer door being pushed open by one of the bundles of milk bags an defrosting some of the others, and having to throw away close to 50 (4oz) bags. That was a HARD thing to do! Pouring any amount of milk down the drain a small part of me dies!)

My supply has decrease a little (and at first I was very upset) but I still get 2-3 bags extra that he goes through from the stash. Example: He takes 4 bags from the stash, I'm able to replace with 7. My main long term goal was the first year, I think I have that in the bag. Even if I was to stop now, he may be on formula for maybe 2 months! Which I can live with. But I am going to continue pumping for now as long as my current supply holds up. I may start weaning when he is about 9-19 months, and just work from the stash. I am very proud of myself in what I have been able to achieve with pumping especially with my first baby, and not doing this before. I am in no ways an expert, this is just what worked for me. 

I feel like drinking a lot of water is defiantly a key. When I was home with him I pumped almost every 2-3 hours and that was including middle of the night. I also will say, if you have more than a 5 minute  drive to/from work invest in 2 things:

The hands free bra and a car adapter for your particular pump. 

I have the medela pump, which seems to be the most common, and I like its performance also. Since returning to work I pump on my way in (15-20 minutes), once at work at 11AM (since I leave early now, when I was back full time 8-5 I would pump at 1PM), and on my home from picking L up from day care. Once home and now that he's more active and won't let me sit still for 20 minutes, I usually don't pump again till bed time 8-9PM. Then start the cycle all over again. 

My 11AM pump and my drive home pump are the smallest amount! My morning I can usually get enough to replace whatever I took out of the stash. 

I take my pump with my where ever I go I feel like. Even running errands around town, if I'm going to be sitting in the car for any extended period of time I feel like I should be pumping, instead of wasting 20 minutes at home away from my baby. I hook up while in park and turn the machine on and drive to where ever I need to go. Always bring a cooler with an ice pack to store what I pumped until I can get home to divvy it up. I've pumped when on our way to dinner, so I can have a drink when we get there and be safe for the next pump. That car adapter is one of the best things I have spent money on. My mom and friend thought I was crazy to pump in the car while driving, but have quickly realized just how smart and time saving it is. With the hand free bra, it's completely safe, both my hands are on the steering wheel, not need to readjust, or look or watch it. I watch the road and drive like I normally would. 

1st Mother's Day Gift Picks

First of all I can't believe my first Mother's Day is almost here. I'm still in shock and awe that I am a MOM!!!
I have picked a few things that have caught my eye over the past few weeks.

(So heads up to my hunny husband)

1. Contours® Options® Elite Tandem Stroller Yes I know this is a double stroller, Yes I know L is an only child, and he may very well stay an only child. But I do have 1 more 4-legged fur child, and I like taking her on as many adventures with us that I can. Our current strollers basket is PATHETIC, it can barely hold my wristlet. This double stroller can have the seats removed and changed around and so I can make it a single stroller, with extra room for bags/groceries/my 35lb puppy dog.

2. Reversible Tote Bag This bag is HUGE! I can probably fit my 35lb dog in it! It's awesome! I can carry EVERYthing needed to go out in this 1 bag, instead of carrying 3 different bags for all the stuff we now have to carry around. Plus it helps that it's super cute and reversible.

3. I Heart My Little A-Holes I was reading the snippets of this at work and laughing so hard I can crying! I need some lighthearted fun reading.

4. Birthstone Ring I told Josh I wanted to add a birthstone ring to my wedding ring band set to wear. I've seen a few people who have done that and it looks adorable.

5. Pandora Charm Doesn't have to be this particular charm, but this new milestone needs to be added to my collection.

6. Fifty Shades of Grey DVD It comes out May 8. I never got to see it in theaters because L was 3 weeks old. 

Birth Story

We appreciate all the love in text messages and emails from friends and family.

This is a long rambling post, you have been forewarned. You may also need tissues.

L was never going to make it to 40 weeks, we were planning on inducing at 39. My pregnancy weeks 36-38 I had doctor appointments twice a week. I had an ultrasound, NST, see the OB, everything! The girls in the office got to know me very well. I went in for my 38 week appointment, set up for the NST, that went well. I was also there for a blood pressure check, not really to see the OB. They checked my blood pressure and it was still high, the doctor came in to see me and take my blood pressure again and it wasn't going down. He left to speak with the high risk Dr and they came to the conclusion they weren't going to wait another week. I was being sent to the hospital. I got all my forms and folders from the front desk girls and the prescription for inducing. I texted Josh (who thought I was kidding!!) and my mom who both left work went to our house and picked up the bags I had packed.

I drove over to the hospital went up to the labor and delivery floor, and after a bit of a "mis-communication" I got settled into a room and had my nurse for the first shift. (she was fantastic)! We spoke about what was going to happen and  procedures. They gave me the inducing "pill" gave me an IV (which I think was the worst part of the whole process!!!!) I started to feel contractions and they were just more "annoying" than anything else at this point. About 2 hours into having labor start I had gone 5cm. The Dr came in and broke my water, which was a very odd experience in itself, then the labor really started coming on! They brought the anesthesiologist in and gave me the epidural. Things started to numb and feel much better. This was 8PM. Around 10-11PM the Dr came in checked me and I was 10cm and ready to push. I pushed for 2 hours and wasn't really getting anywhere. The Dr came in again to check things and declared that something was blocking and I needed a c-section. At this point I was tried and I was done, I would gladly accept a c-section (even though they scared the ba-jeezies out of me). I was so tired and delirious at this point I remember them giving Josh the robes to put over his clothes, and being wheeled into the operating room. They had also turned off my epidural the last hour when I tried pushing so the contractions where on fire at this point!! While in the OR they gave me a different medicine to numb the bottom and hooked me up to a million more machines. While hooking me up and getting me prepped for the Dr, I nodded off sleeping it was around 1-1:30AM. I was awoken to hearing Josh come in and we were ready to go. (Now this is where my"delivery" experience hit the fan-in my opinion)

• I wasn't the biggest fan of the Dr that delivered me
• I had no idea what was going on
• I didn't know what L was, the Dr didn't hold him over the "curtain" when he came out for me to see-he just pulled him out and passed him off
• I didn't get to hold my son
• Josh didn't get to cut the umbilical cord
• I didn't get the skin to skin contact with him

I felt the Dr pushing on the top of my belly and I thought it was to re-position L from being down in the birth canal. At one point I asked if it was out? Heard a nurse ask is it a boy or girl and someone respond, "it's a boy!" Josh went over when the had little dude all cleaned and wrapped up.

The nurse and Josh brought little dude over to my head so I could see him, but I was strapped to the table and couldn't move. I only saw him for a moment before they took him back away to check more vitals. Then I heard they were going to take him out for my mom to see, and that was the last I saw of my son and Josh for HOURS! The Dr finished cleaning and closing me up. There was a lot going on and I was ready to leave and be done. This took a long time or so it felt. I kept asking when this would be done. I started to feel really nauseous and told my night nurse (another great one- all the nurses that tended to me were amazing!!!) they gave me a dose of who knows what, but it started to sub-side. Finally I hear that the Dr is wrapped up and done, and that was a last I saw and heard of him, The nurses hurried to clean everything up and I was was getting freezing cold, they brought me "fresh from the dryer blankets" which were fantastic!

A few things we learned later why the c-section was the best option:

• L was wrapped up in the umbilical cord (not around his neck from what I understand, but just wrapped around him)
• L has a small "soft spot" so the plates that needed to move for conventional delivery couldn't move enough

I was pulled over to a stretcher to be taken to "recovery". I couldn't be taken to my maternity room until I could move my legs. While in the recovery mom and Josh came in, mom to say bye, and Josh to get the bags and then come back to stay with me.  I knocked out sleeping in recovery, next time I woke up I started to be able to move 1 leg. When the nurse came over to check my vitals I told her, she had me raise my 1 leg bent at the knee and asked me to do the same with the other, I could wiggle my foot (from knee down), but couldn't drag it up. She said a little while longer. Finally at around 5AM I could move my legs and push my bottom half off the bed as needed. I was still majorly out of it, but someone came and got my stretcher and wheeled me to the maternity ward. Once in my room the nurse came in spoke to me about what was going on, gave me some pain meds and more IV fluid, then another nurse wheeled  a little tiny "crib" with L in it. I tried to feed him from boob, he took a little and then fell asleep. I was so exhausted I would have loved to cuddle and snuggle him, but I was falling asleep sitting up. I put him back in his little crib and wheeled it closer to my bed and passed out asleep. By morning I heard him stirring and woke up, I couldn't reach him from my position so I had to throw something at Josh to get him up. My morning nurse came in while Josh was holding him and gave me more meds and fluid. I told her when she was done I was going to try and feed him from boob again. She looked at him and noticed he was breathing kind of heavy and his top lip was a very dark shade of red-ish purple. She took him the nursery to have them look him over. Josh followed them to see what was going on. The nurse came back in to say that he was being admitted into the NICU because of his oxygen levels and possible fluid in his lungs (which is more-or-less normal for c-section babies). I was jaded into thinking that he would go into NICU they would run some test and return him. That does not happen! They keep them in NICU until whatever test they are running come back 100% with a 48 hour waiting period. Josh went to visit L in the NICU often, I was still hooked up to IV and a catheter so I could not move. Finally 24 they removed the catheter but kept me on fluids until morning, then the unplugged all that, and I could finally change into my own clothes and bathrobe and walk.....slowly! I was very nervous about seeing L in the NICU (it freaked me out a little) but we got a wheel chair and Josh took me over. We scrubbed up and went it. Little dude looked so helpless in his little crib hooked up to all sorts of stuff.

First family of 3 selfie

 I had to ask permission to hold me son, I couldn't do anything other than sit there and hold him with wires and beeping monitors. The first nurse I was introduced to that was taking care of him I did not like. She was not very compassionate and was very rough when trying to show me how to breastfeed. We went back to our room and I broke down in tears. It was awful. My kid did not belong in there, he was fine, I wanted to hold him.
I wrote the following while at the hospital and going through a particularly bad time mentally and emotionally:

I have a kid, I have a son, but I don't feel like a parent or a mom. 
I had to have an emergency c-section, I didn't even know when they pulled him out, I didn't know how much he weighted, I didn't know how long he was. 
I was able to finally see him 3 hours after his arrival, but only saw him for 2 hours, before he was taken to the nursery for care because he was breathing heavy, his 1 lip was a dark red, getting to purple, and his oxygen levels. 
I have visited him as much as possible in the NICU, when I'm with him there I feel like a mom, I want to snuggle and squish him, but I can't because of all the tubes and wires, and nurses almost staring you down. When I have him I want to walk around and do what I want to do, but I can't, I have to stay in 1 spot, I have to be uncomfortable in a gown for germs, I have to be still and listen and hear all the other monitors beeping and going off and other baby's crying. Then I have to put him back in this little bed and walk away leaving him with a nurse I for the most part don't like. 
I miss my dog, I miss my cat, I'm in pain, I'm tired and overall I don't feel like a parent or mother. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't take care of my kid. I haven't bonded with him. Everyone knows I hated being pregnant, so I didn't have that pregnant building my baby bonding feeling. I look at the picture on my phone and I think it's just a baby, someone else's baby, not my baby. 

That basically summed up how I felt my entire stay at the hospital. Now there was a tiny glimmer of hope on Sunday night that if his test came back good he could be returned to my room late Monday night and we would be discharged Tuesday. Monday we went over to the NICU and they were bustling around and changing his crib. the nurse on duty said he had jaundice and he needed to be under the billi light. I asked about him being discharged with me on Tuesday and she shook her head no. I completely lost it sobbing. It wasn't fair. 99.9% of babied have jaundice and it's something I could take car of at home, why did he have to stay here. Well because it was the NICU, and they don't let babies out of NICU unless they are 100% doesn't matter what is wrong.I did however like this nurse that was taking care of him, even though she came with not the news I wanted to hear. We tried to spend as much time with him before he had to go into the little incubator with the lights. Josh visited him the first time while under the lights without me, I just couldn't do it. He finally convinced me to go the next time and I did and it's just awful to see your kid in a little plastic box and you can only touch him though little arm holes. You can't hold him, you can only stroke his arms/legs/head.

That was majorly overwhelming for me. By the time Tuesday came I knew I was leaving, and I was leaving little dude at the hospital, he wasn't coming with me. I officially got discharged by Tuesday afternoon, but my awesome nurses said I didn't have to leave the building until I was ready, so we stayed in the room for the remainder of the day so we could visit him in the NICU. By 7PM we went to see him and feed him 1 more time before we left for home. I remember setting myself up all day for the fact that we were leaving without him, so that final walk to the NICU was easier than I had planned in my head. Walking away was a little harder, but still manageable. I almost crumbled into a pile while walking down the hall, but kept it together. We got the nurses desk in the maternity ward and I asked the nurse about being discharged and she called for a wheelchair and someone to take me out. She kindly gave me her box of tissues to take with me. We got the room, Josh had already packed everything up, and we sat in silence while waiting for my "escort". He came with my wheelchair and I reluctantly climbed in and off we went. Josh held my hand and we rode home quietly. We planned on Josh going back to work Thursday and Friday. Mom would drop me off in the morning to see little dude and Josh and I would go back when he got home from work. Wednesday Josh had off though. So Wednesday morning we went on over to the hospital and NICU and see little dude. When he was first put under the billi lights he was under 2 of them in his little incubator. When we got there Wednesday he was down to 1 light and laying on a billi blanket, the nurse said he was doing really well, and he might be able to get out of the incubator later that day. We spent a lot of time with him, left for some lunch and was going to be back in the evening. When leaving that's when Josh finally hit his wall. He had been SO strong for me. When we got to the car on the 7th floor of the parking garage a giant hug is what was needed. When we went back later that evening little dude was in his normal open crib still laying on the billi blanket. The nurse told us earlier to bring some of his clothes for him to be changed into. I still had the mentality that he wasn't going to get out until Friday the earliest and possibly over the weekend. Mom was driving me over for the morning visit on Thursday, and while on the way there I got a phone call from his nurse that day saying he was being discharged!
I was so overcome with emotion and just gratefulness! We couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. I got there, left mom in the lobby area and saw my little dude in an open no light crib! I had to watch a CPR video and they had some paperwork to fill out for him. I told mom to go ahead and go to work because I didn't know how long it would take. I texted Josh though that he was being released and to be prepared to come over.

He left work, went by the house to grab his bag, and was on his way. Finally after what felt like an eternity Josh got there in the nick of time because the nurses were ready to wheel him out to the car. We dressed him in his "going home" clothes and put him in the NICU stroller and headed out. Josh pulled up the car and in he went in his car seat. I was so happy and excited. I hugged the nurses good-bye and hopped into the back of the car with him.

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