Birth Story

We appreciate all the love in text messages and emails from friends and family.

This is a long rambling post, you have been forewarned. You may also need tissues.

L was never going to make it to 40 weeks, we were planning on inducing at 39. My pregnancy weeks 36-38 I had doctor appointments twice a week. I had an ultrasound, NST, see the OB, everything! The girls in the office got to know me very well. I went in for my 38 week appointment, set up for the NST, that went well. I was also there for a blood pressure check, not really to see the OB. They checked my blood pressure and it was still high, the doctor came in to see me and take my blood pressure again and it wasn't going down. He left to speak with the high risk Dr and they came to the conclusion they weren't going to wait another week. I was being sent to the hospital. I got all my forms and folders from the front desk girls and the prescription for inducing. I texted Josh (who thought I was kidding!!) and my mom who both left work went to our house and picked up the bags I had packed.

I drove over to the hospital went up to the labor and delivery floor, and after a bit of a "mis-communication" I got settled into a room and had my nurse for the first shift. (she was fantastic)! We spoke about what was going to happen and  procedures. They gave me the inducing "pill" gave me an IV (which I think was the worst part of the whole process!!!!) I started to feel contractions and they were just more "annoying" than anything else at this point. About 2 hours into having labor start I had gone 5cm. The Dr came in and broke my water, which was a very odd experience in itself, then the labor really started coming on! They brought the anesthesiologist in and gave me the epidural. Things started to numb and feel much better. This was 8PM. Around 10-11PM the Dr came in checked me and I was 10cm and ready to push. I pushed for 2 hours and wasn't really getting anywhere. The Dr came in again to check things and declared that something was blocking and I needed a c-section. At this point I was tried and I was done, I would gladly accept a c-section (even though they scared the ba-jeezies out of me). I was so tired and delirious at this point I remember them giving Josh the robes to put over his clothes, and being wheeled into the operating room. They had also turned off my epidural the last hour when I tried pushing so the contractions where on fire at this point!! While in the OR they gave me a different medicine to numb the bottom and hooked me up to a million more machines. While hooking me up and getting me prepped for the Dr, I nodded off sleeping it was around 1-1:30AM. I was awoken to hearing Josh come in and we were ready to go. (Now this is where my"delivery" experience hit the fan-in my opinion)

• I wasn't the biggest fan of the Dr that delivered me
• I had no idea what was going on
• I didn't know what L was, the Dr didn't hold him over the "curtain" when he came out for me to see-he just pulled him out and passed him off
• I didn't get to hold my son
• Josh didn't get to cut the umbilical cord
• I didn't get the skin to skin contact with him

I felt the Dr pushing on the top of my belly and I thought it was to re-position L from being down in the birth canal. At one point I asked if it was out? Heard a nurse ask is it a boy or girl and someone respond, "it's a boy!" Josh went over when the had little dude all cleaned and wrapped up.

The nurse and Josh brought little dude over to my head so I could see him, but I was strapped to the table and couldn't move. I only saw him for a moment before they took him back away to check more vitals. Then I heard they were going to take him out for my mom to see, and that was the last I saw of my son and Josh for HOURS! The Dr finished cleaning and closing me up. There was a lot going on and I was ready to leave and be done. This took a long time or so it felt. I kept asking when this would be done. I started to feel really nauseous and told my night nurse (another great one- all the nurses that tended to me were amazing!!!) they gave me a dose of who knows what, but it started to sub-side. Finally I hear that the Dr is wrapped up and done, and that was a last I saw and heard of him, The nurses hurried to clean everything up and I was was getting freezing cold, they brought me "fresh from the dryer blankets" which were fantastic!

A few things we learned later why the c-section was the best option:

• L was wrapped up in the umbilical cord (not around his neck from what I understand, but just wrapped around him)
• L has a small "soft spot" so the plates that needed to move for conventional delivery couldn't move enough

I was pulled over to a stretcher to be taken to "recovery". I couldn't be taken to my maternity room until I could move my legs. While in the recovery mom and Josh came in, mom to say bye, and Josh to get the bags and then come back to stay with me.  I knocked out sleeping in recovery, next time I woke up I started to be able to move 1 leg. When the nurse came over to check my vitals I told her, she had me raise my 1 leg bent at the knee and asked me to do the same with the other, I could wiggle my foot (from knee down), but couldn't drag it up. She said a little while longer. Finally at around 5AM I could move my legs and push my bottom half off the bed as needed. I was still majorly out of it, but someone came and got my stretcher and wheeled me to the maternity ward. Once in my room the nurse came in spoke to me about what was going on, gave me some pain meds and more IV fluid, then another nurse wheeled  a little tiny "crib" with L in it. I tried to feed him from boob, he took a little and then fell asleep. I was so exhausted I would have loved to cuddle and snuggle him, but I was falling asleep sitting up. I put him back in his little crib and wheeled it closer to my bed and passed out asleep. By morning I heard him stirring and woke up, I couldn't reach him from my position so I had to throw something at Josh to get him up. My morning nurse came in while Josh was holding him and gave me more meds and fluid. I told her when she was done I was going to try and feed him from boob again. She looked at him and noticed he was breathing kind of heavy and his top lip was a very dark shade of red-ish purple. She took him the nursery to have them look him over. Josh followed them to see what was going on. The nurse came back in to say that he was being admitted into the NICU because of his oxygen levels and possible fluid in his lungs (which is more-or-less normal for c-section babies). I was jaded into thinking that he would go into NICU they would run some test and return him. That does not happen! They keep them in NICU until whatever test they are running come back 100% with a 48 hour waiting period. Josh went to visit L in the NICU often, I was still hooked up to IV and a catheter so I could not move. Finally 24 they removed the catheter but kept me on fluids until morning, then the unplugged all that, and I could finally change into my own clothes and bathrobe and walk.....slowly! I was very nervous about seeing L in the NICU (it freaked me out a little) but we got a wheel chair and Josh took me over. We scrubbed up and went it. Little dude looked so helpless in his little crib hooked up to all sorts of stuff.

First family of 3 selfie

 I had to ask permission to hold me son, I couldn't do anything other than sit there and hold him with wires and beeping monitors. The first nurse I was introduced to that was taking care of him I did not like. She was not very compassionate and was very rough when trying to show me how to breastfeed. We went back to our room and I broke down in tears. It was awful. My kid did not belong in there, he was fine, I wanted to hold him.
I wrote the following while at the hospital and going through a particularly bad time mentally and emotionally:

I have a kid, I have a son, but I don't feel like a parent or a mom. 
I had to have an emergency c-section, I didn't even know when they pulled him out, I didn't know how much he weighted, I didn't know how long he was. 
I was able to finally see him 3 hours after his arrival, but only saw him for 2 hours, before he was taken to the nursery for care because he was breathing heavy, his 1 lip was a dark red, getting to purple, and his oxygen levels. 
I have visited him as much as possible in the NICU, when I'm with him there I feel like a mom, I want to snuggle and squish him, but I can't because of all the tubes and wires, and nurses almost staring you down. When I have him I want to walk around and do what I want to do, but I can't, I have to stay in 1 spot, I have to be uncomfortable in a gown for germs, I have to be still and listen and hear all the other monitors beeping and going off and other baby's crying. Then I have to put him back in this little bed and walk away leaving him with a nurse I for the most part don't like. 
I miss my dog, I miss my cat, I'm in pain, I'm tired and overall I don't feel like a parent or mother. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't take care of my kid. I haven't bonded with him. Everyone knows I hated being pregnant, so I didn't have that pregnant building my baby bonding feeling. I look at the picture on my phone and I think it's just a baby, someone else's baby, not my baby. 

That basically summed up how I felt my entire stay at the hospital. Now there was a tiny glimmer of hope on Sunday night that if his test came back good he could be returned to my room late Monday night and we would be discharged Tuesday. Monday we went over to the NICU and they were bustling around and changing his crib. the nurse on duty said he had jaundice and he needed to be under the billi light. I asked about him being discharged with me on Tuesday and she shook her head no. I completely lost it sobbing. It wasn't fair. 99.9% of babied have jaundice and it's something I could take car of at home, why did he have to stay here. Well because it was the NICU, and they don't let babies out of NICU unless they are 100% doesn't matter what is wrong.I did however like this nurse that was taking care of him, even though she came with not the news I wanted to hear. We tried to spend as much time with him before he had to go into the little incubator with the lights. Josh visited him the first time while under the lights without me, I just couldn't do it. He finally convinced me to go the next time and I did and it's just awful to see your kid in a little plastic box and you can only touch him though little arm holes. You can't hold him, you can only stroke his arms/legs/head.

That was majorly overwhelming for me. By the time Tuesday came I knew I was leaving, and I was leaving little dude at the hospital, he wasn't coming with me. I officially got discharged by Tuesday afternoon, but my awesome nurses said I didn't have to leave the building until I was ready, so we stayed in the room for the remainder of the day so we could visit him in the NICU. By 7PM we went to see him and feed him 1 more time before we left for home. I remember setting myself up all day for the fact that we were leaving without him, so that final walk to the NICU was easier than I had planned in my head. Walking away was a little harder, but still manageable. I almost crumbled into a pile while walking down the hall, but kept it together. We got the nurses desk in the maternity ward and I asked the nurse about being discharged and she called for a wheelchair and someone to take me out. She kindly gave me her box of tissues to take with me. We got the room, Josh had already packed everything up, and we sat in silence while waiting for my "escort". He came with my wheelchair and I reluctantly climbed in and off we went. Josh held my hand and we rode home quietly. We planned on Josh going back to work Thursday and Friday. Mom would drop me off in the morning to see little dude and Josh and I would go back when he got home from work. Wednesday Josh had off though. So Wednesday morning we went on over to the hospital and NICU and see little dude. When he was first put under the billi lights he was under 2 of them in his little incubator. When we got there Wednesday he was down to 1 light and laying on a billi blanket, the nurse said he was doing really well, and he might be able to get out of the incubator later that day. We spent a lot of time with him, left for some lunch and was going to be back in the evening. When leaving that's when Josh finally hit his wall. He had been SO strong for me. When we got to the car on the 7th floor of the parking garage a giant hug is what was needed. When we went back later that evening little dude was in his normal open crib still laying on the billi blanket. The nurse told us earlier to bring some of his clothes for him to be changed into. I still had the mentality that he wasn't going to get out until Friday the earliest and possibly over the weekend. Mom was driving me over for the morning visit on Thursday, and while on the way there I got a phone call from his nurse that day saying he was being discharged!
I was so overcome with emotion and just gratefulness! We couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. I got there, left mom in the lobby area and saw my little dude in an open no light crib! I had to watch a CPR video and they had some paperwork to fill out for him. I told mom to go ahead and go to work because I didn't know how long it would take. I texted Josh though that he was being released and to be prepared to come over.

He left work, went by the house to grab his bag, and was on his way. Finally after what felt like an eternity Josh got there in the nick of time because the nurses were ready to wheel him out to the car. We dressed him in his "going home" clothes and put him in the NICU stroller and headed out. Josh pulled up the car and in he went in his car seat. I was so happy and excited. I hugged the nurses good-bye and hopped into the back of the car with him.

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